November 14, 2009
“Just think of me and I will be there.” -Richard Reeves
I wake early at 5am to a fresh set of tears. The morning is still and quiet, and a wet blanket of snow waits for me outside. I lay in bed thinking about yesterday and the walk we took with Sadie and Bear. It was brisk with very few stops, something I’m unaccustomed to and as we quickly passed by all of your favorite spots, I thought of you every step of the way. Every bush, every tree. The way you always anticipated the very spot where the neighbor’s dog would run at us from behind the fence, with tail raised and the hair on your back standing. Always a sure signal to Bear that something was going on. You were her ears, there’s no doubt about it.
Your water bottle still sits on the counter, I can’t bring myself to throw it away. That silly bottle that made everyone think I was crazy looks right at home where it sits and I wish I could think of something artistic to do with it. Sadie and Bear lie quietly on their beds, there is no dog at my feet. They occasionally follow me through the house and stop to sniff the last blanket we had you lie on and it breaks my heart. They are so calm and quiet and I wish I knew what they were thinking. Bear tries to get Sadie to play when they go outside but to no avail, her tug buddy is gone.
We are all creatures of habit, taking comfort in all that stays the same and this sudden change is an unwelcome visitor.
A Discussion Perhaps?
I trace back over the last couple of weeks and wonder about all of the decisions that I made in my attempts to save you and can’t help but think I went wrong somewhere. I know that you were sick, but everything happened so quickly and I feel somehow at fault. I beat myself up and it makes no sense…I just miss you so much.
