Dear Cain,
The morning is beautiful, and a peaceful solitude envelopes me as I walk softly through the house. It is just barely daylight, but a light snow falls from the sky illuminating the world around.
My thoughts drift from past to present as I remember all of the things we used to do together, and for a moment I envision you standing in the snow by the pasture fence. I am alone with my thoughts, yet I am not alone as I feel your presence waiting patiently as I slip on my boots. I walk briskly to the barn, but as the cold air chills my body and takes my breath away, my soul feels a warmth. I sense a familiar whisper of white shadowing my steps. I am not alone. 
Five years have passed. I miss you so much. I think about how long it’s been since I held you in my arms and my heart aches even more. The tears well in my eyes and I let them flow. Yes, I miss you so much.
Five years. My grief was overwhelming for so long, and my journey through these past five years has taught me just how tricky grief can be. My day to day life is very much the same, but different in so many ways. Grief still visits me when I least expect it, and I’ll find myself retreating to that place of peaceful solitude where you and I can visit. My heart may never mend, but you would be proud of me buddy, I’ve grown stronger. This journey through time has been peppered with highs and lows, and a jumble of great and not so great. It’s been filled with many tears, but much happiness too. It’s been spent with old friends and I’ve made so many new amazing friends too. It continues to bless me with the gift of time with my family, another year with my sweet girl Bear, and brought Zoey, Pirate and Eddie into my world. Time, I don’ take it for granted, and every wondrous experience has made me stronger. While my heart may never completely mend, I wouldn’t be where I am if not for you. Yes, I remain strong.
“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”
So very true. You took my breath and my heart away buddy, but the lessons that you taught me, guide me through every single day. And when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I whisper your name softly and look around. You are everywhere. You are everything I see.
Every act of love returns to us magnified. You are my shared soul my Caino, tucked safely within my heart …you are still right here with me, and your love goes on, and on and on. ❤ FTLoCA ~k
